As I type these words I’m watching a disastrous movie on the USA Network. It’s called ‘Aftershock: Earthquake in New York’ and it stars Tom Skerritt and Sharon Lawrence. I’ve only been watching for a few minutes, but the movie has been on for a half hour. There’s still no earthquake. Mostly they’ve been busy introducing characters that I guess we’re going to care about once the quake flattens New York. The movie was made in 1999 and I’m expecting the effects to be horrible.
Oh, a young Jennifer Garner just appeared. She’s a frustrated ballet dancer. She’s having lunch with her father, who played Greg’s wealthy father on Dharma and Greg.
I usually don’t watch movies on USA, but I stopped on this one while eating my lunch, because Sharon Lawrence is in it.
I had such a major crush on her when she was on NYPD Blue. She was also on a sitcom with Doug’s wife Carrie, years before she was cast on King of Queens.
Oh, there’s Charles S. Dutton. He appears to be someone important. He’s talking on the phone with his daughter, but she says she’s going to go ride the subway. That could be bad, what with an earthquake on the way.
Oh, commercial break.
I’ve been struggling all morning long with folks at Symantic. I upgraded the virus protection on my daughter’s computer, and the old Nortons software isn’t recognizing the new Norton’s software. Symantic doesn’t have a toll free number for frustrated customers who need help. You have three choices if you’re in trouble. 1.)Send them an email describing your problem and they’ll get back to you. 2.)Phone them, for a $30.00 charge. 3.)Internet chat with the help desk.
Oh, Tom Skerritt is in a hospital, visiting someone who has half their face burned off. His I.V. bottle is shaking. No one seems to notice.
I tried the third option first with Symantic first, and had the chance to text chat with no less than three helpers. All were in India and none had much of a mastery of the English language.
Oh, the quake has hit. Jennifer Garner’s taxi cab just got creamed by a White Castle sign, but the cabbie got her out first. Oh, the MOMA is crumbling. The effects are fair. Not insulting. A little boy is trapped in a public bathroom. There’s big trouble in the subway. Sharon Lawrence’s refrigerator is open and all the contents are falling out. Her little doggie is running around the apartment, dodging falling tables and lamps. The cabbie has dragged Jennifer Garner under a water delivery truck, thinking it would be a good idea. A sink hole has eaten most of the truck, they get out from under it just in time. Lots of rubble and people are falling from the skies. Hmm, the quake seems to be stopping. Nope, here come the aftershocks. There’s trouble in the hospital room. The burn victim has lost his oxygen mask. The subway car with Charles S. Dutton’s daughter on it is running out of control, and careening at an odd angle. Oh, no…the statue of liberty just fell down in the worst effect shot of the movie. The people at USA probably cut out any scenes of the World Trade center. To protect my sensibilities. Lots of chaos in the streets. Lots of steam or somke shotting up. Now fire. Oh, Jennifer Garner’s cabbie has caught on fire. She puts him out and they huddle in a dooway. People are screaming, children are crying. The burn victim finally gets his mask back. Times square is a wreck. Sorry Disney. Sharon Lawrence’s dog’s name is Low Rider. Maybe Lou Rider. She still looks hot. Her hair’s a mess and she’s all dirty. Maybe she’ll take a steamy shower.
Commerical. So after I gave up on text chatting with people who didn’t have a clue as to how to help me, I went to the second option and sent a detailed email message to Symantic.
This Easter you can find faith in Christ. Those Mormons make the best commercials.
So this morning I got an email response, from their help center in India. He told me that he was sorry for my problems and gave me the URL for two help pages on the Symantic site. I went to both and tried everything it suggested. No good. I fiddled around a little on my own and managed to get the new software registered, but again, the old software doesn’t recognize it.
Wow, in the midst of an earthquake, Jennifer Garner managed to find her father under a pile of rubble. He’s dying and he tells her that he’s proud of her and that he loves her. He wants her to be a dancer. The cabbie starts pulling the rings and watch off her dead father, his wallet too. She freaks out but he tells her that she needs to hang onto things that will remind him of her. Back in the subway Charles S. Dutton’s lawyer daughter is shaken, but not stirred. Tom Skerritt is out on the streets now. He helps a little girl find her parents. Lots of people are walking over very neatly stacked piles of rubble. Tom Skerritt stops at a fire station. It turns out he’s a fire chief. He’s trying to get his boys out on the street to help those in need. I wonder if Tom Skerritt could help me with my computer. A girl in a news helicopter is talking to Skerritt, describing what she sees. The Brooklyn Bridge is in the water. City Hall and police central are flattened.
I don’t think Sharon Lawrence is going to get naked anytime soon. My lunch is done so I’d better get back to work.
I wrote back to Symantic. Perhaps they’ve responded. It could be worse, there could be an earthquake.
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