Ha-ha. Ho-ho. It is to laugh.

Not a perfect list by any means, but it's a good start.
1. haha = I’m acknowledging that you’ve said something you perceive to be funny, though I don’t find it particularly funny myself.
2. haha. = I am weary and loathe to laugh, but here, you have forced it upon me; OR: I hate you.
3. haha! = I am pleasantly surprised to learn you are capable of modest humor.
4. ha ha ha = Very funny, you fucking asshole. You piece of shit.
5. ha = I am actually the most furious I have ever been in my entire life.
6. ha. = I knew it. I knew it. It is very tiring to be right about everything, but I live with it.
7. ha! = Clever little joke, sonny!
8. HA = Vengeance and/or justice has been served appropriately.
9. hah = Three-quarters of the way toward typing the most tepid indication of appreciation there is, I became too bored to continue.
10. haaaaaa = I am disgusted with (but not surprised by) humankind.
11. hehe = I am a middle-aged, self-proclaimed pickup artist who is pleased to have recently discovered Reddit.
12. hehehe = I just said something intended to be mildly sexual, but now I’m realizing it was maybe not clear that it was mildly sexual, so maybe I’ll quickly also type the laughter of a cartoon villain wearing an eye patch???
13. heh = I have never experienced mirth, nor do I expect to.
14. heh heh = I am cautiously optimistic about my own evil plans.
15. muahaha = I am very optimistic about my own evil plans, and possibly an actually bad person.
16. mwahaha = I am very optimistic about my own evil plans, and possibly an actually bad person, and not a great speller.
17. heehee = I have done something mildly transgressive.
18. teehee = I have done something mildly transgressive and I think it’s adorable.
19. hahaha = That was funny! I legitimately laughed, or at least smiled, and I am slightly happier now than I was before you just said that.
20. ahahaha = Like “hahaha,” but less concerned with appearances.
21. bahaha = Like “ahahaha,” but less concerned with appearances.
22. gahaha = Like “bahaha,” but less concerned with appearances.
23. hahahaha (etc.) = What you just said was really funny. OR: What you said was only kind of funny, but I want to have sex with you.
24. haha…… = Gooooooooooo fuck yourself.
25. HAHA = I made an audible laughter-type sound at this!!
26. HAHAHA = I am IRL laughing so much!!!!!
27. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (etc.) = I am starting to panic that I may never stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!
28. lol = I feel nothing. I want this sentence/conversation to be over but lack the wherewithal to end it directly, with purpose; I want to admit to a feeling but lack the conviction; I want to tell you how you’ve hurt me but want more to pretend I am invincible; I want to laugh, really laugh, but do not remember how; OR, maybe: that was funny, whatever.
29. Lol (sent from iPhone) = The above, but with an added element of Autocorrect shame. I did not mean to be so formal; I wanted it clear how little I cared.
30. lol. = Like “ha.” but sadder. Angrier.
31. lolol(etc.) = I am so self-conscious right now!!! What am I sayinggggg, ever!
32. lolllllll = I feel beneath my skin surface a brimming hysteria, an existential query both exhausting and frantic: what am I doing here? The things that amuse me now are so different from anything I could have imagined as a young child. Partway through typing I realized the absurdity, the smallness of that which made me lol, and so I held my finger firm upon the “l” key for a while, and I wondered what would happen if I held it there forever.
33. LOL = I briefly, but not disingenuously, chuckled.
34. L-O-L/L.O.L. = I want nothing more than to cry. OR: I made a joke and I’m your dad.
35. lolz = I am Gchatting/texting with two to four other people at this time; each of them is significantly more interesting than you.
36. lulz = I am Gchatting/texting with five to seven other people at this time; each of them is significantly more interesting than you.
37. lmao = That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
38. lmfao = That is the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
39. lmbo = I’m neither laughing nor happy, but I am arguing a point I’m pleased with in my role as a person who works on the internet.
40. rofl = I am an extraterrestrial who learned to approximate human language by scanning millions of pages of AOL chat logs collected in the early 2000s.
41. roflcopter = I am a police officer working the undercover teen drug-use chatroom circuit.
42. lollerskates/lollercoaster = Sometime between 2000 and 2004 I was a starred internet forum poster, and someone I chatted with regularly — someone a little older, whom I looked up to, someone with lots of x’s in his/her username — used this word, and I was overcome by impossible coolness. I am now grown, and quite serious, and typically hyper-articulate. But sometimes, when I find something a little funny, I indicate pleasure with an improbable portmanteau like this one, and I feel again that I am young, and excited, and waiting to get online.
From the hilarious cut-ups at BuzzFeed! 


Nobody likes having the hiccups--unless you're involved in some weird fetish group, in which case, enjoy. For those of you who don't enjoy having them, here are some of my favorite remedies. Good luck.

1. Slowly drink a cold glass of water through a straw with your ears plugged.
2. Stick your tongue out as far as you can, or grab it with your fingers and gently pull it.
3. A large number of men report that their chronic hiccups vanish after experiencing an orgasm. (That said, most of the guys I know should never, ever suffer from hiccups.)
4. Drink a tall glass of water quickly while holding your breath.
5. Take a massive bite out of a real lemon and hold it in your mouth as long as possible. If you only have a plastic lemon in the fridge, squirt some juice into your mouth and hold it.
6. Try some sweetness. Spoon some sugar on the back of your tongue and let it drain down your throat. Keep a packet of sugar from Starbucks in your wallet or purse. In a pinch suck on a piece of candy for as long as you can.
***I interrupt this list for the following announcement. For most of these cures to work you need to to be patient and check your frustration at the door. Calm down and if the first cure doesn't work the first time, don't give up. If you really want to be rid of your hiccups, be cool fool. It's been my experience that you can increase your odds for success with nearly all of these remedies by holding your breath (even if you hiccup, stay calm and keep holding it) and mentally counting backward from 20 or 50. If you can preoccupy your brain your odds at succeeding increase.
7. Many people swear by pickle juice or vinegar. Take a couple of tablespoons every few minutes.
8. Lots of people get the hiccups from standing up too quickly. Reverse the process. Stretch out on the couch for a few minutes and then hop to your feet.
9. If you're in a fancy eating place that has cloth napkins, cover your water glass with a napkin and suck was much water through as you can. This process takes a lot of effort and suction which will distract your brain.
10. My personal favorite which I've used forever: lean over a sink with a butter knife lightly clenched in your teeth--as far into your mouth as possible. Now hold your breath and slowly sip a glass of water. If you're doing it right the water will be flowing into your mouth above and beneath the knife blade.
11. Sometimes the simple cures are the best. Suck in a bunch of air through your mouth. Hold it. Swallow some saliva (preferably your own) twice and then slowly release the air you gulped into your mouth out through your nose--very slowly
***Some people are so adverse to being unnecessarily frightened that I'm not going to include sneaking up behind someone and scaring the hiccups out of them. It may work but it's pretty rude.
12. Take a glass of lukewarm water (my favorite Star Wars character) and while holding your breath, gargle. This may take two or three tries to get right so be patient.
13. Again with the water... Sit at a table with a full glass of water in front of you. Without touching the glass, drink as much of the water as you can. Don't try anything fancy--just keep trying. If anything, hold your breath and take tiny sips.
14. My final cure requires a trusted friend and it will seem a little extreme. Have the person with the problem face you. Say some calming words to them. Tell them that even if they hiccup during the middle of things it doesn't automatically ruin their chances. Gently touch their neck and tell them to take a deep breath and silently count backwards from 50. While they're doing this you need to apply gentle pressure to either side of their throat. Just use a finger or thumb if they seem freaked out. It should be easy to feel their thundering pulse in their carotid arteries. All you need do is gently apply a little pressure to these to slow the river of oxygenated blood heading to their head. If the person trusts you and stays with it, I've had a 100% success rate with this method. Most people will find it too extreme, which it is, so stick with the first thirteen.

Good luck, and remember I am not a doctor. I just play one when I'm trying to swipe narcotics from area hospitals.