I’m bachelor number one this weekend…

Does anyone even remember the Dating Game anymore? They keep reinventing its counterpart, The Newlywed Game, but I only ever see clips of the Dating Game on shows that feature clips of old shows that no one remembers.

Valarie is off to Phoenix for the weekend to visit her brother and his family. She took our daughter Dakota and her boyfriend Connor. I didn’t go along for the trip for a couple of reasons. Firstly, a six-hour ride in our little Yaris would be akin to torture with my bad knees and back. Secondly, and primarily, her brother has a nice big hour with a nice big pool, but there’s rarely a spare bed to bunk down on and my days of sleeping on the floor or a four-foot loveseat are long past. I like Val’s brother and his family a lot, and I like to swim more than most fishes, but the sleeping on the floor is a deal breaker.

 It’s probably just as well I didn’t throw caution to the wind and go along anyway because my left knee feels like it has a rusty railroad spike pounded into it. So I’ll catch up on my reading and episodes of Mythbusters while munching on Percocet. I have to be careful with the drugs because I don’t want to slip into drugged dialing mode and call everyone in my high school graduating class.

If anyone wants to call me, that’s cool. (This of course goes out to friends who actually have my number. It’s not that I don’t trust the majority of people on the WWW, but part of me thinks it would be a bad idea posting my home telephone number)

I’m thinking of constructing a cardboard cutout of Valarie to pacify the cats. They miss her a lot and I could prop it up on the couch or put it in bed, dressed in her clothing, and they probably wouldn’t notice the difference. Stupid cats.

I want one in my backyard.

Try to digest these...

When I was a kid my mom bought two magazines every month--Redbook and Reader's Digest. As a rule my interest was usually more piqued by the features in Reader's Digest. There was the monthly anatomy lesson, i.e. 'I am Joe's bladder' or 'I am Jane's alimentary canal', Improve your Word Power, and then there would be a true tale of bravery that told tales of the housewife that defends her family from a Kodiak bear with just a fingernail file, or the an who dove into the back of a cement mixer to save a kitten. All that Redbook had going for it was the 'Increase your Bust Size' ads in the back.

Reader's Digest was also big on featuring jokes. They had your everyday humor and then Humor in Uniform which featured tales of G.I. highjinks. If memory serves me the jokes were usually pretty tame and lame that would earn a chuckle at the most from me. 

It seems Reader's Digest still has the same standards for their humor. They've gathered what they consider the top ten jokes, in I don't konw, the world I guess. 

I was not put on this planet to judge, and I'm a big believer that humor can be extremely relative,, so I'll put it to you. Who knows--you may find each joke funnier than the last. You could be ROTFLing all over the place.

Enjoy...    

Crime and Punishment 
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Conflict 
A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. 
"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!" 

New Lease on Life 
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live." 
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! 
The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. 
Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God. 
"So what happened?" 
God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you." 

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion." 
"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him." 
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision." 

Vow of Silence 
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."
Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard." 
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit." 
"I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here." 

Talking Dog 
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in. 
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog. 
"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home." 
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?" 
The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!" 
 
Making Sure 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?" 
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead." 
There’s silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?" 

Power of Perception 
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast." 

Ghostly Music 
A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing." 
 
A Dog's Life 
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat." 
"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie. 
"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."