Great movie showdowns by the great Scott C.

The product placement in the Transformers 3 movie is pretty ridiculous.

An old radio/TV announcers test to limber up your tongue. Read it fast three times then take a nap.

Soccer? I never laid a hand on her! (The depth of my sad sense of humor knows no limits)

This photo makes me feel happy and sad at the same time. I like it.

After much goading RoboCop finally took his wife to the neighbor's barbecue, but he still didn't feel comfortable.

This is a good day for a swim. If you have a pool. And if you know how to swim. And if you're not in prison.

While his brother made a fortune in real estate, Dwayne Trump tried to make a go of his freelance taxidermy service.

Comedians Say the Funniest Things!

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the

video camera and come help me."

--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.

That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run

to my sister's house and ask her for money."

--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out

in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned

how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how

to swim.' "

--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly

in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?

Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock

every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands

there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet

soup?"

--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just

a second."

--Steven Wright

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better

verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of

that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on

the pumpkin."

--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?

I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me

advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."

--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be

thinking up something else."

--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three

out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that

is still far away."

--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."

--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more

specific."

--Lily Tomlin

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know

what to feed it."

--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them

above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "

--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't

know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself.

You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.'

You know.'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about

me just a little bit?"

--Garry Shandling

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my

fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery

Here's a sensational Sheena cover painted by my terrifically talented wife, Valarie Jones!

To see a

lavishly

larger version

of the cover,

click on the

image!

To see

more of

Valarie's

work, click

here!

Sandals with no socks? That's gross no matter what your species.

While she may be no Galloping Gourmet, Giada De Laurentiis is currently my favorite television chef.

Those Boy Scouts worked long and hard getting that fire started, and then from out of nowhere...

Oh, snap! You need some butter for that burn, NASA?

Megan didn't have a lot of friends. She preferred her own company.

Today's dishwashers really do help save money on the water bill.

I really do need to get this upgrade.

It's better to be thought an idiot then to wear a t-shirt that proves it.

I would much rather see this movie instead of another Twilight film.

Who are we to judge? That could be exactly what the kid looks like.

My name is Fred Schiller and I find absolutely nothing amusing about this photo. Not even a little bit. Nope. Nothing.

Dey not outstanding but they taste 'iight.

The Force is strong in this shower.

The graphics on the latest Mario Kart game are astoundingly life-like.

Now I'm going to have to score from that Doberman down the block, and he's a rip-off artist!

It really is the only thing you need to eat.