That's life for you. Sometimes you win and sometimes you fail.

I appreciate the offer, but I'm currently chatting with Racing Stripes in Russia. I'm very popular these days.

We're nice to them because they protect us after midnight.

Because playing shooting games all day long is exactly why the cell phone was invented. Can you still actually make telephone calls on them?

Enough fooling around. Get up now and feed me. If you reach for that snooze button one more time you'll pull back a stub.


If you're the type of person who like s little bit of everything, you've come to the right spot! Here's a little bit of everything!

Wait a second! This isn't right! That idiot at the filling station is going
to get a stern talking to!

Hold on! You can farm with dynamite now? Count me in!
Is this a trick question? Why am I blindfolded?
Why did I need to remove my trousers? HEY!!
You're right, Sarge. Things could get worse.
We left the sandwiches on the airplane!
If the smelly rats don't get you, the flying neck kick will for sure!

Some use knives or guns, but real men settle their differences with a good
old fashioned ax fight!

Time is precious. All postcards should be this efficient!

On days when the crime rate was up, some newspapers used to come with a complimentary weapon.

Yes, professor. This one has a healthy heart too. Can we take a break for a while?
My testicles are beginning to burn again. I need to go soak them.

The device is working perfectly, sir. We have no idea whatsoever what it's doing, but it
seems to be doing it flawlessly! 

Perhaps because it required the customer to sit motionless for up to three days, Prof. Hooverblat's
automated hair cutting machine was a dismal failure. He was later able to adapt it to spay and
neuter cats and dogs. 

Marge Voostoven, a.k.a. The Human Tugboat, was able to pull enormous freighters into dock
using only the power of her mind. After ten years on the job she was able to save enough money
to open a yarn store in Wisconsin. 

In the future, scientists will perfect mind-altering drugs that will make people believe they are
seeing enormous farm produce.

I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but I suspect all these stories are connected. Well, except for the one about the traffic problem. 
Spears? No one said anything about spears. I'm a bleeder. See you guy
back at the boat.

Another one? What's the deal? I thought these things only hung out in
oceans and seas and stuff!

You're a sick little girl, Nancy. Leave Sluggo alone.

Okay, okay. If you're going to get all dramatic on me.

Lester Holts would have made a successful private investigator if not for his leaky bladder problem.

You can do that all day long, Bradley, but you're wasting your time.
I'm not switching desks with you. I like being by the window.
Sure, I subscribe to it, but I only read it for the gags and giggles.

One more rejection like this and I give up writing. Oh, who am I kidding!

Case #5591 from the "WHAT COULD GO WRONG?" files.

Well, technically it does have a view. But still...

I'm such a fool! Why didn't I go out with Fred Schiller when he asked?
Now he has a successful blog and owns a profitable coin laundry. Sigh...

Switch to Facebook Timeline? Ha! Never!!

How do I keep getting into these fixes? Mom's right, I bring it on myself.

I'm no expert, Wally. But I think you've become a dessert topping.

Things were much more atmospheric back before color came along and ruined everything.