Fred Schiller

5.10.11

Workin' for the man--no time to post--beats being outta work--here are some images from my To Post file.

Almost all

images can

be made

larger by

clicking on

them. But

you already

knew that.

Do as I say--not as I write.

That / who

We want to hire someone who is great at grammar, and we will buy books thatwe can use for reference. Use the word "who" when you are talking about people, and "that" when you're talking about objects.

Me, myself and I

This one got a lot of enthusiastic complaints about people using the word "myself" in sentences like "You will have a meeting with Bob and myself." Myself is a reflexive pronoun, and it's a bit confusing, so I will turn to my favorite source, Grammar Girl, who gives a great explanation about when to use I, me or myself, and when myself can be used to add emphasis, as in "I painted it myself." But the short answer? Please, never say "You'll be meeting with Bob and myself."

Should have / should of

I think the problem here is that the words "should have" and "could have" were contracted in spoken English to "should've" and "could've" and some people now think that means "should of" and "could of." The correct expression is "should have," "could have," or "would have" and that is how you write it out.

Pluralizing with apostrophes

The way we make words plural in the English language is usually by adding the letter 's' to the word. So egg becomes eggs and CEO becomes CEOs. Apostrophes are not used to pluralize words. Ever.

Less / fewer

Fewer is used when you're talking about something you can count, and less is used for things you can't specifically quantify. So if you want to weigh less, you will want to eat fewer candy bars.

Then / than

This pair got a lot of mention in the other article's comments section. If you're confused on this one, "then" refers to the passing of time, and "than" indicates a comparison. First you need to be better than she is, and then you can win.

Loan / lend / borrow

This one is kind of tricky. Traditionally, "lend" is a verb and "loan" is a noun. In American English, you go to the bank and ask for a loan, and they lend you money. Or they loan you money, and then you can tell people that they lent you money. Or loaned you money. And now you have a loan to pay off. I told you it was tricky. Our faithful source Grammar Girl has a tip to remember: "loan" and "noun" both have an "o" in them, and "lend" and "verb" both have an "e."

To / too

I didn't include this because I rarely see it in cover letters, resumes or business correspondence. But apparently others see it a lot, so here you go. "To" means in the direction of, as in They went to the movies. "Too" means in addition to, as in Our daughter came along, too, or to an excessive degree, as in, We left early because it was too hot in the theater. Of course, none of these are the same as the number two.

Ah, your Grammer wears Army boots!

You're / Your

The apostrophe means it's a contraction of two words; "you're" is the short version of "you are" (the "a" is dropped), so if your sentence makes sense if you say "you are," then you're good to use you're. "Your" means it belongs to you, it's yours.

You're = if you mean "you are" then use the apostrophe
Your = belonging to you

You're going to love your new job!

It's / Its

This one is confusing, because generally, in addition to being used in contractions, an apostrophe indicates ownership, as in "Dad's new car." But, "it's" is actually the short version of "it is" or "it has." "Its" with no apostrophe means belonging to it.

It's = it is
Its = belonging to it

It's important to remember to bring your telephone and its extra battery.

They're / Their / There

"They're" is a contraction of "they are." "Their" means belonging to them. "There" refers to a place (notice that the word "here" is part of it, which is also a place – so if it says here and there, it's a place). There = a place

They're = they are
Their = belonging to them

They're going to miss their teachers when they leave there.

Loose / Lose

These spellings really don't make much sense, so you just have to remember them. "Loose" is the opposite of tight, and rhymes with goose. "Lose" is the opposite of win, and rhymes with booze. (To show how unpredictable English is, compare another pair of words, "choose" and "chose," which are spelled the same except the initial sound, but pronounced differently. No wonder so many people get it wrong!)

Loose = it's not tight, it's loosey goosey
Lose= "don't lose the hose for the rose" is a way to remember the same spelling but a different pronunciation

I never thought I could lose so much weight; now my pants are all loose!

Lead / Led

Another common but glaring error. "Lead" means you're doing it in the present, and rhymes with deed. "Led" is the past tense of lead, and rhymes with sled. So you can "lead" your current organization, but you "led" the people in your previous job.

Lead = present tense, rhymes with deed
Led = past tense, rhymes with sled

My goal is to lead this team to success, just as I led my past teams into winning award after award.

A lot / Alot / Allot

First the bad news: there is no such word as "alot." "A lot" refers to quantity, and "allot" means to distribute or parcel out.

There is a lot of confusion about this one, so I'm going to allot ten minutes to review these rules of grammar.

Between you and I

This one is widely misused, even by TV news anchors who should know better.

In English, we use a different pronoun depending on whether it's the subject or the object of the sentence: I/me, she/her, he/him, they/them. This becomes second nature for us and we rarely make mistakes with the glaring exception of when we have to choose between "you and I" or "you and me."

Grammar Girl does a far better job of explaining this than I, but suffice to say that "between you and I" is never correct, and although it is becoming more common, it's kind of like saying "him did a great job." It is glaringly incorrect.

The easy rule of thumb is to replace the "you and I" or "you and me" with either "we" or "us" and you'll quickly see which form is right. If "us" works, then use "you and me" and if "we" works, then use "you and I."

Between you and me (us), here are the secrets to how you and I (we) can learn to write better.

3.10.11

The story of my life summed up in two simple images.

Oh, Nicolas Cage! What have you gotten yourself into now?

I always wondered how Walter and Skyler hooked up.

Speaking of which, I need to see what's going on at Facebook!

This explains a lot. About me and about the bodies in the back of my van.

I like my women like i like my birds--with some meat on their bones and covered with feathers.

Gaff knew the score from the start.

1.10.11

Learn all about life--watch movies!

100 Things that movies have taught us.

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. That will finish in a sex scene.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

7. If someone says, “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: “Enter Password Now”.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit. In addition, every front door can be opened from the outside without having to use a key.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

16. Any bullet from a handgun has enough force to throw a full-grown man ten feet back.

17. Characters will always find a parking space right in front of the building they’re going to even in a large metropolitan city where parking is basically impossible.

18. Characters at a bar or at a restaurant table will always get the attention of a server at the exact moment they need to order.

19. When a gift/present is given, the top is wrapped separately from the rest of the box and it lifts straight off so that there is never any ripping or fumbling with wrapping paper.

20. A chase scene on foot in a city always has a shot of one of the characters running into the street, nearly being hit by a car screeching to a halt at which point the driver flails his arm out the window and yells an expletive.

21. Anytime a character in an awful rush confronts another character curious about his predicament, the first one says, “There’s no time to explain,” and then explains anyway.

22. No matter how slow zombies walk they will always catch up.

23. The bad guy will always throw his gun at you to indicate he has run out of bullets.

24. A candle or table lamp can light a whole room and at night time, it’s blue.

25. If the main guy is in love with the main girl, he will always get her in the end, even if she’s married. If she is married, her husband will always say “oh well, if it makes you happy”… and he’ll never go to beat the crap out of the other guy.

26. If you are in a film, it is easy for you to master the skill of controling any vehicle you need, weather it be landing a plane, for example.

27. Everybody when needing a computer can type supper fast and never need to hit the space bar!

28. Computers never freeze or crash, unlike in the real world.

29. The computers have super duper graphics programes which can zoom into blurs in fotos to make them super clear!

30. The best way to get laid is to put on some slow jazz music.

31. Everytime the “hero” is sneeking into the bad guy’s room, checking secret files on the computer:

1a. The password is already typed in.

1b. The password is very simple.

2. There appears a very slow bar saying “copying”, “deleting” or “printing” and it is finished just before the bad guy, the security guard or the mexican cleaner comes in.

3. In addition to your non-booting computer, they are also turned off in a flash.

4. All the characters, even the blonde bimbo’s put in to lure us to the cinema, became all-knowing super-mega-nerds once behind a computer. They always know what to do and how to avoid things.

32. Good guys never panic, they stay cool at point black range, and bluff their way out with the “you could surely use me in your plan” crap.

33. Heavy guns, for example on helicopters, cause cosmetic damage to the hero’s transport, but one bullet makes the chopper blow up.

34. Text appearing on a computer monitor appears letter by letter and making a sound as if it was produced by a typewriter.

35. You can find whatever you want on the net in a matter of seconds.

36. If in a battle scene a bad guy actually manages to shoot a good guy, the good guy’s friend has the time to listen to his friend’s dying speech. Once dead, the friend stands up and shoots the correct bad guy (amongst a whole host of bad guys). The bad guy has apparently been sitting around just waiting to be shot!!

37. No Australian movie is complete without one of this:

1. A Kangaroo.

2. A Boomerang.

3. Ayers Rock.

4. A Koala.

5. All of the above.

38. When someone uses a TV remote it makes a clicking sound that is impossible to replicate by existing remotes.

39. When gunfire erupts in public places and cops respond instantly to it, they’re usally killed by the first shots.

40. When gunfire erupts in public, where there are no cops, they take forever to arrive, but they can still chase the gunmen.

41. Detectives can watch a drug deal (carried out furtively in a shop doorway) go down from a distance of five yards away by the simple expedient of sitting in a car with a newspaper raised to eye level.

42. Cats always make a noise. If someone is creeping into a house and is momentarily scared by a cat, it always has to meow before running off.

43. A woman being chased by a murderer will always fall over, either because she’s running in stilettos or is ridiculously clumsy.

44. Serial killers never just die… they will remain still for ages so that the hero is fooled and walks right past them… at which point the killer grabs their ankle and then keeps fighting.

45. It is possible to drive safely for long periods with your head turned completely away from the road ahead, either in conversation or looking at a map.

46. People brush their teeth before eating breakfast but not afterwards, at which point they run out the door with a piece of toast in their mouth.

47. Aussie accents in American films always sound like a mix of Cockney, South African and New Zealander. And they say things like “Streuth!” and “Blimey!”

48. The bad guy’s sexy girl will try to seduce the good guy, then when that fails will beat him up using martial arts. That while wearing skintight leather, lycra and stilettos.

49. Women can never find their car keys while being pursued by a killer. Once they do find them, it takes them ages to fumble the keys into the ignition, giving the killer enough time to reach the car and pound on the window.

50. Somehow cars take several turns of the key to start but only when someone is chasing you.

51. Every bad guy knows how to tie really complicated knots… which somehow the good guy manages to untie.

52. A person investigating strange noises in their house always finds that the lights don’t work, then stumble around in the dark rather than getting a torch. At least one of the noises they hear will turn out to be made by a cat.

53. When a cat eats a fish, it leaves the skeleton perfectly reserved and intact.

54. Dogs always bark at ghosts.

55. Vicious guard dogs can be easily distracted with a piece of steak.

56. Mice can somehow fashion a perfectly semi-circular entrance to their dwelling.

57. A small goat is capable of propelling a fully grown man through the air by butting him in the ass with it’s horns.

58. Many animals, when they consume alcohol, will take on human drunken characteristics, usually to the sound of a trombone being played.

59. Anytime a person is expecting a bad guy to jump out at them, often they’ll sigh in relief when it’s just the cat, or the wind, or a tree branch against the window. But as soon as they let their guard down and laugh at their “silliness”, they’re going to be attacked by the bad guy that really was there after all.

60. When someone puts a baby down to bed, that baby coos and smiles, and then just goes right off to sleep. It’s amazing.

61. If someone jumps off a bridge into a river, lake, etcetera, the water will always be deep enough to keep them from getting hurt. But when a bad guy falls from a river, he/she’s good as gone.

62. Police officers never wait for back-up.

63. The only time people do say hello on the telephone is when it turns to be the bad guy on the other end of line calling to torment them.

64. Bad things usually happen to women who are alone in the house on stormy nights.

65. If you are driving somewhere on any other route other than a city roadway, you will probably have that road all to yourself and will not pass or be passed by another vehicle.

66. In the movies everyone seems to have some odd “L shaped” sheets on their beds able to cover a woman up to her neck and her partner up to his waste.

67. Being around a bomb causes time to slow down.

68. Bad guys die instantly, good guys die slowly.

69. When the good guy is being attacked by a gang, they will run at him one at a time while the rest stay (in the case of ninjas, dance) around in a menacing manner, allowing him to kick all of their asses by the time the scene is over.

70. Most of police investigations will require at least one visit to a strip club.

71. You can jump from a tall building and land on mattresses, a pile of boxes, or a dumpster full of garbage and, though you might groan and be a little slow getting up, you will not sustain any serious injury.

72. It’s very easy to fool the security guards at highly top secret government institutions.

73. It’s very easy for a computer hacker to break a security code and find just the information he’s looking for in less than a minute.

74. If you’re a criminal mastermind, you cannot just shoot the hero in the back, you have to tie him up and wait for some diabolical machine to finish the hero off and you can’t wait around to make sure it works, which allows the hero a chance to escape, which he always does because apparently no bad guy ever got his knot tying badge in the boy scouts.

75. When an ugly girl takes off her glasses, gets a haircut, and puts on nice clothes she is suddenly very hot.

76. No matter who you are calling, no matter what time you are making the call, the person you’re calling will always answer the phone, usually after only one or two rings. Of course, this assumes you aren’t running from a killer while trying to make a call on a cell phone, in which case there is a 100% chance that either the battery will be dead or you won’t be able to get a signal.

77. Whenever you put on a seatbelt, you will get into an accident.

78. The good guy always has the cooler cell phone.

79. If you chase someone through a park you will never step in dog poop or chewing gum, but you will always step on someone’s picnic.

78. No matter how crowded the bar is, there are always extra stools available right in front of a bartender who is just standing there waiting for someone to order.

80. People who oversleep and get woken up by phone calls go straight to work without making the bed, but when they get home at night, their bed is made.

81. People in movies rarely have to shave, and whenever a guy does shave, he will be interrupted while half finished, and will wipe the remaining shaving cream off with a towel. Of course, even the part he didn’t get to shave will be perfectly smooth.

82. When a good guy enters a house, he/she will avoid every shot of machine gun fire while killing a lot of bad guys. He/she doesn’t need to reload his pistol until he runs out of ammo, which coincidentially happens when the main bad guy appears, at which point he fights him/her hand to hand.

83. In battle, a normal peon soldier is shot with one bullet and instantly drops dead to the ground, while the protagonist in said battle can be shot in various places by multiple shooters, and survive with a few bandages and a cast.

84. It doesn’t matter who you call, if they choose not to answer their phone you will get their voicemail in less than 1.5 rings.

85. A devious villain will immediately shoot a non-important character whenever needed without hesitation. However when he finally has the chance to kill the hero seeking to craft his doom, he will undoubtedly hold a firearm trained on said protagonist for at least 90 seconds while performing a well-written soliloquy. This delay is all the hero needs to escape.

86. When a woman is being pursued by a scary serial killer that she knows is in her house, she will always run upstairs instead of out of the house.

87. You can break into any house or door with a credit card.

88. The bad guy will always tell the good guy every detail about his masterplan instead of just shooting him.

89. Whenever a guy and a girl hop into a bed together in three seconds the girl will start moaning and will be close to climaxing. Plus the guy will always put a minimal effort, after all she will still be screaming and moaning away.

90. When someone has stopped breathing and has no pulse, simply breathing into her mouth twice and looking extremely distressed while screaming “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” will bring her back to life immediately.

91. In a TV episode where someone will probaly die, there’s always an extra character that no one has ever seen before to kill him.

92. Aliens will always have more advanced technology than us.

93. When you turn on the tv, the news will always be on.

94. People never obey warnings.

95. There’s always a corrupt police officer.

96. Movie theatres and drive-ins only show classic horror movies.

98. If you meet a member of the opposite sex, and you both hate each other… don’t worry… you’ll eventually fall in love with each other.

99. Major disasters always happen in New York.

100. The President is always very considerate and well-spoken. Not to mention he always is able to fly a jet fighter when needed.

COURTESY THE FRIENDLY FOLKS AT NED HARDY!