Take a look around the corner and see what's coming...IT'S HALLOWEEN!!

And there's no better time to get familiar with the works of John Kenn. Here are a few examples of his work, but you can find a whole bunch more at: http://johnkenn.blogspot.com/

Everything you need to know is on YouTube. Well. almost.

How to print your own T-shirt: http://bit.ly/159Hpi
How to speed read: http://bit.ly/2FRRi
How to look like @ladygaga: http://bit.ly/Rb9pv
How to tie a tie: http://bit.ly/JXHZo
How to make fresh pasta: http://bit.ly/TeKAS
How to make fire without matches or a lighter: http://bit.ly/pSyZw
How to open a beer with a pen: http://bit.ly/2usCi1
How to knit: http://bit.ly/16oQBg
How to cut your own bangs: http://bit.ly/Ib3pq
How to make ice cream in a bag (preschool edition): http://bit.ly/X8s65
How to do a banana kick: http://bit.ly/1JJT0f
How to count to 20 in Japanese: http://bit.ly/4gCv3q
How to peel a melon: http://bit.ly/BmXlB
How to get better mileage: http://bit.ly/2zdzm
How to create perfect red lips: http://bit.ly/15sezH
How to escape from handcuffs: http://bit.ly/jHQPr
How to flirt like a pro: http://bit.ly/2Rv5Zm
How to surf: http://bit.ly/Ga8Dk
How to train your dog to stay: http://bit.ly/xJWUb
How to make a bacon-infused cocktail: http://bit.ly/mameg
How to build your self confidence: http://bit.ly/dwZpZ
How to beat writer's block: http://bit.ly/3x5kek
How to be funny on a first date: http://bit.ly/m8Dvx
How to be a DJ: http://bit.ly/cfEj4
How to make mac & cheese, mmm: http://bit.ly/Ov8tC
How to use gel liner: http://bit.ly/TrMRD
How to give a presentation: http://bit.ly/12ny4U
How to make a how to video: http://bit.ly/6SKe8
How to do the Windmill: http://bit.ly/RdWO9
How to get watermelon nails: http://bit.ly/czp8n
How to shoot penalty kicks: http://bit.ly/5qREA
How to wrap a gift professionally: http://bit.ly/LhEpU
How to make your own bicycle crank: http://bit.ly/10fe45
How to make chicken biryani: http://bit.ly/4hqV9R
How to make wine: http://bit.ly/tdafs
How to draw a "realistic" manga face: http://bit.ly/108hUx
How to understand integrals: http://bit.ly/Bzc6B
How to look sharp for a job interview: http://bit.ly/hksI0
How to play violin - lesson one: http://bit.ly/2DnJDh
How to properly chop vegetables: http://bit.ly/1dq9I4
How to make a camisole in one minute: http://bit.ly/rLNCx
How to grow strawberries indoors: http://bit.ly/Mo5bz
How to shave: http://bit.ly/3kv7IE
How to crack a coconut: http://bit.ly/3XTfvw
How to buy a house: http://bit.ly/RSVng
How to make Rigatoni Carbonara: http://bit.ly/MsK57
How to make a BristleBot: http://bit.ly/unPlZ
How to do makeup for small eyes: http://bit.ly/1McfOw
How to make a custom beer pong table: http://bit.ly/1D5n2i
How to fuse plastic grocery bags into a reusable shopping bag:http://bit.ly/1eS6zf
How to fold a fitted sheet: http://bit.ly/4kxbJI
How to save money: http://bit.ly/3sd0u6
How to improve your memory: http://bit.ly/eCILa
How to sew a dress: http://bit.ly/13xkKx
How to backflip: http://bit.ly/1Awqto
How to curl hair: http://bit.ly/WpwdS
How to recycle beer bottles with limes: http://bit.ly/1z8yM8
How to hem pants: http://bit.ly/k7sW3
How to make a green screen: http://bit.ly/pPtJW
How to polish shoes: http://bit.ly/45dXNu
How to repair a bicycle puncture: http://bit.ly/ocqzX
How to make kimchi: http://bit.ly/3kFvLs
How to recycle used computers http://bit.ly/3SkN6a
How to make veggie sushi: http://bit.ly/oE6tZ
How to record better webcam videos: http://bit.ly/2rbn5E
How to speak French - meeting and greeting: http://bit.ly/OTfiU
How to make a "Where the Wild Things Are" Halloween costume:http://bit.ly/28qjv1
How to do yoga: http://bit.ly/1cGeeW
How to cook Cola BBQ pork chops: http://bit.ly/3eWonX
How to deliver a baby in an emergency: http://bit.ly/469fc5
How to melt away pounds: http://bit.ly/2BW8BE
How to wear different types of scarves: http://bit.ly/2sGH8s
How to Casper: http://bit.ly/1WwYHI
How to fold origami: http://bit.ly/1Q9T84
How to do self-defense when confronted with a gun: http://bit.ly/2l47Fz
How to make a camisole in one minute: http://bit.ly/rLNCx
How to make ramen noodles: http://bit.ly/16JKhC
How to care for a pet shark: http://bit.ly/1is544
How to apply fake eyelashes: http://bit.ly/2AvRV3
How to make a card: http://bit.ly/2M8YaO
How to make simple, delicious compound butters: http://bit.ly/Q2USo
How to dye your clothes: http://bit.ly/4nkbEZ
How to transform a boring school uniform: http://bit.ly/49P2I5
How to plant a vegetable garden in 30 minutes: http://bit.ly/1qdPEn
How to solder copper pipe: http://bit.ly/3Fsit2
How to make an upholstered headboard: http://bit.ly/iCh9a
How to dress appropriately (according to Tim Gunn): http://bit.ly/2Jjiux
How to make sage risotto (as taught by a kid): http://bit.ly/27jyEd

For all you word lovers out there...

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

How to write good!

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Neil Gaiman on writing.

1 Write.

2 Put one word after another. Find the right word, put it down.

3 Finish what you’re writing. Whatever you have to do to finish it, finish it.

4 Put it aside. Read it pretending you’ve never read it before. Show it to friends whose opinion you respect and who like the kind of thing that this is.

5 Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.

6 Fix it. Remember that, sooner or later, before it ever reaches perfection, you will have to let it go and move on and start to write the next thing. Perfection is like chasing the horizon. Keep moving.

7 Laugh at your own jokes.

8 The main rule of writing is that if you do it with enough assurance and confidence, you’re allowed to do whatever you like. (That may be a rule for life as well as for writing. But it’s definitely true for writing.) So write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly, and tell it as best you can. I’m not sure that there are any other rules. Not ones that matter.

There's a word for that, right?

The New York Times 50 Fancy Words (defined and used)

1. Inchoate: just begun and so not fully formed or developed; I am glad your inchoate proposals for integrating the company were not accepted this time, thus saving us face.

2. Profligacy: recklessly wasteful; wildly extravagant, profligate behavior; Anderson’s profligacy cost him his job and its better you tighten up your belt before you go the same way.

3. Sui Generis: being the only example of its kind, unique; Mr. Bill Tandy generated his sui generis theory based on little research and more hypothesis, thus finding no takers for his pet project.

4. Austerity: severe and morally strict; the quality of being austere, having no pleasures or comforts; Every major war on this planet were followed by many years of austerity.

5. Profligate: using money, resources, etc., in a way that wastes them; The firm’s profligate spending only hastened its downfall.

6. Baldenfreude: Satisfaction derived from the misfortune of bald or balding individuals (coined by NYT columnist Maureen Dowd); Humpty Dumpty’s antics remain a constant source of baldenfreude for children and adults alike.

7. Opprobrium: harsh criticism, contempt; His ludicrous attempts at mimicry in the office only earned him the opprobrium of his colleagues.

8. Apostates: pl; a person who abandons a belief or principle; The millionaire technocrat and his cronies were publicly derided for being apostates, after they were exposed of polluting the environment while purporting to have spent large sums for water conservation.

9. Solipsistic: the theory that the self is all that can be known to exist; His solipsistic view about life ensured that he lived in social isolation.

10. Obduracy: refusing to change in any way; Anthony’s obduracy in his legal case expedited his impeachment.

11. Internecine: causing destruction to both sides; The African states’ internecine conflict continues to extract a terrible toll on innocent human lives.

12. Soporific: adj; causing sleep; The soporific drug caused Tony to fall asleep in the board meeting.

13. Kristallnacht: German, night of (broken) glass : Kristall, crystal (from Middle High German, from Old High German cristalla, from Latin crystallus, crystallum; see crystal) + Nacht, night (from Middle High German naht, from Old High German; see nekw-t- in Indo-European roots); The Kristallnacht remains an infamous event in the German history.

14. Peripatetic: going from place to place; The peripatetic bards of yore propagated the words of the Holy Prophet.

15. Nascent: beginning to exist, not fully developed; In its initial stage, the nascent film industry faced harsh opposition from moral groups.

16. Desultory: going from one thing to another, without a definite plan or purpose; Garcia’s desultory conversation got everybody yawning.

17. Redoubtable: deserving to be feared and respected; Mike’s redoubtable instincts as a prize-fighter kept his opponents at arm’s distance.

18. Hubris: excessive pride; The Empire’s vanity and hubris in its exaggerated military were the reason for its downfall.

19. Mirabile Dictu: wonderful to relate; Randy’s winning putt remained mirabile dictu in the golf club gossip for many years.

20. Crèches: a place where babies are looked after while their parents work, shop, etc.; Go down the Green Avenue and you will find a string of crèches and day-care centres.

21. Apoplectic: sudden loss of the ability to feel or move; adj: suffering from apoplexy; easily made angry; His son’s antics on the playground left him apoplectic with rage.

22. Overhaul: to examine carefully and thoroughly and make any necessary changes or repairs; to come from behind and pass them; Michael’s faster car easily overhauled the leading drivers in the F1 championship.

23. Ersatz: used as a poor-quality substitute for something else, inferior to an original item; The DJ’s ersatz musical numbers were a poor rendition of Celina’s work.

24. Obstreperous: very noisy or difficult to control; Andy’s obstreperous behavior just after a few drinks generally caused his early exit from most parties.

25. Jejune: too simple, naïve; dull, lacking nourishment; Horrified by the senator’s jejune responses to their problems, the voters guild decided to withdraw their support to him in the forthcoming elections.

26. Omertà: rule or code that prohibits speaking or revealing information, generally relates to activities of organized crime; sub; the Mafia; Henry was vowed to the code of Omertà and sealed his lips during the police interrogation.

27. Putative: generally supposed to be the thing specified; Mr Brown is referred to as the putative father in the document.

28. Manichean: A believer in Manichaeism – an ancient Iranian Gnostic religion; Roberta’s Manichean beliefs found little approval in the stoic theology group discussion.

29. Canard: a false report or rumour, aerofoil designs on certain airplanes; The disturbing canard about my company’s finances left me in despair.

30. Ubiquitous: seeming to be everywhere or in several places at the same time; The ubiquitous internet is both a blessing, as well as, a curse.

31. Atavistic: relating to the behavior of one’s ancestors in the distant past; The chieftain urged his tribe to curb their atavistic urges and refrain from unnecessary violence.

32. Renminbi: another name for the Chinese Yuan, official currency of People’s Republic of China; Chinese renmin people + bi currency; Around 1950, the Chinese government officially released the Renminbi notes for circulation.

33. Sanguine: hopeful, optimistic; She remained sanguine about our chances of success in the raffle draw.

34. Antediluvian: very old-fashioned; His antediluvian ideas are preposterous!

35. Cynosure: object or someone who serves as a focal point of attention and admiration, something that serves to guide; His wife, Catherine, remained the cynosure of all eyes throughout the evening gala.

36. Alacrity: eagerness or enthusiasm; Richard accepted her offer of marriage with alacrity.

37. Epistemic: cognitive, relating to learning, or involving knowledge; The monk’s epistemic dissertation was an engaging study of New Testament beliefs.

38. Egregious: exceptional, outstanding; The NBA referee’s decision was the most egregious error of judgment.

39. Incendiary: designed to set something on fire, tending to create public disturbances or violence; Amanda’s incendiary remarks alienated her from the whole campus.

40. Chimera: an imaginary creäture composed of the parts of several different animals, wild or impossible idea; Harry gazed awestruck at the monstrous chimera, a gigantic beast with the head of a lion and the body of a winged horse.

41. Laconic: using few words; Jerry’s laconic sense of humor endeared him to the crowd.

42. Polemicist: person skilled in art of writing or speech, arguing cases forcefully; Mr. Trimble stands little chance in the public debate against the Republican polemicist candidate, Mr. Burns.

43. Comity: mutual civility; amity, an atmosphere of social harmony, the policy whereby one religious sect refrains from proselytizing the members of another sect; The Shias and Sunnis lived in perfect comity in their remote mountain hamlet.

44. Provenance: the place that something originally came from; He deals in antique furniture of doubtful provenance.

45. Sclerotic: condition in which soft tissue in the body becomes abnormally hard; Doctors were at a loss in explaining the child’s unusual sclerotic condition.

46. Prescient: knowing or appearing to know about things before they happen; His prescient instincts saved him a small fortune when he sold his shares before the stock market crash.

47. Hegemony: control and leadership, by one country over others; The United States’ military hegemony in the region was a source of great distress to Iqbal.

48. Verisimilitude: the appearance of being true or real; To add verisimilitude to the play, the stage is covered with snow for the winter scene.

49. Feckless: not able to manage things properly or look after oneself, not responsible enough; The McCarthy’s are feckless parents with more children than they could support.

50. Demarche: step or manoeuvre in political or diplomatic affairs; Thierry’s political demarche with the liberals saved the government a great deal of face in the senate hearings.

Writers on writing

Stephen King: I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and fries.


Ernest Hemingway: Write drunk, edit sober.

Hunter S. Thompson: The only thing to be said this time about Fear & Loathing is that it was fun to write and that's fair, for me at least because I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work.


Elmore Leonard: I try to leave out the parts that people skip.

Isaac Asimov: If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.

Moliere: A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

William Faulkner: Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.

Robert Frost: Poets need not go to Niagara to write about the force of falling water.

Flannery O'Connor: Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Robert Benchley: It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

George Orwell: In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning.

Steven Wright: I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

William S. Burroughs: In my writing I am acting as a map maker, an explorer of psychic areas, a cosmonaut of inner space, and I see no point in exploring areas that have already been thoroughly surveyed.

Gustave Flaubert: The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.

The adventures of God by Lee Novak

I

God: Noah, all the people of earth are sinners. You alone are righteous.

Noah: Thanks God. Long time fan, first time prophet.

God: So, I have decided to smite the entire world with a flood.

(pause)

Noah: Couldn’t you just teach man goodness?

God: No. I’m thinking “flood”.

Noah: So you’d rather just kill every-

God: What part of “flood” do you not understand?

II

God: Moses…I have seen the plight of the Jews in Egypt.

Moses: Wow. Only after, uh, 400 years there, right?

God: Yes.

Moses: Awesome.

God: I will take you out of Egypt after ten terrible, terrible plagues.

Moses: …ten?

God: Is there a problem?

Moses: It’s just…ten is a lot. For, you know, God. Couldn’t you get this done in like, two plagues max?

God: No. For you see Moses, I will harden Pharaoh’s heart against me.

Moses: So…you are going to stop him from letting us free from slavery.

God: Yes.

Moses: So you can bring more terrible, terrible plagues upon the people.

God: Yes.

Moses: And you see nothing wrong with this picture?

God: ...

Moses: Are there any other God’s up there I can talk to?

III

Mary: Did you send the child support?

God: Frankincense and myrrh. Yeah.

Mary Annnnnd?

God: (sighs). And gold. And the gold.

Mary: That’s better.

IV

Job: …

God: Well, this is awkward.

V

God: Abraham, you must circumcise yourself.

Abraham: As you wish, my lord.

God: Oh my Me. He’s totally going to do it.

Donald Miller's list of seven books to make you a better writer.

• The War of Art by Steven Pressfield:

This book is aimed at writers, but it’s also applicable to anybody who does creative work. Whether you are a musician, pastor, teacher or in any profession that requires you to “put something on the blank page,” this book needs to be in your library. I read The War of Art about twice each year, and I’ll probably keep reading it twice each year for years to come.

Pressfield leaves out all the mushy romantic talk about the writing life, talk I don’t find helpful. True, professional writers are not walking around looking at flowers waiting for inspiration, they are, rather, fighting the urge to distract themselves and sitting down at the computer to hammer out their days work. Pressfield instills in his readers a professional perspective. Being a writer, to Pressfield, is no more glamorous than being a plumber. A professional shows up every day and “fixes a toilet.” I doubt any book has had a more positive influence on my writing life than this one.

• On Writing Well by William Zinsser:

Zinsser may be the best practical writing coach out there. From reading this book years ago, and reading it several times since, I’ve learned to cut my writing in half (Million Miles was over 100k words in rough draft, and published at 54k). From Zinsser I also learned to write for myself, not for an audience. This is one of the greatest lessons a writer can learn. Zinsser teaches us to write what we think is funny, or what we think is touching, and trust there are more people out there like you. You’ll gain confidence from On Writing Well.

• Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott:

Before becoming a literary superstar, Anne Lamott taught writing, and Bird by Bird is the best of her advice, broken up into chapters. The title of the book comes from a story she tells about her father, who was also a writer, instructing her when she was a child to write a massive paper about birds slowly, Bird by Bird. While Anne does offer practical advice in the book, what she really offers is emotional sanity. When you read Bird by Bird, you will realize you are not alone in the world of words. Whether she’s giving you permission to write shitty first drafts, or giving you the courage to write about a person in your life who has been rotten, you’ll feel greater confidence plodding through the shadows with Annie to keep you company. And besides all that, it’s probably the best written book of practical writing advice you will actually read.

Save the Cat by Blake Snyder:

Snyder’s book is specifically for screenwriters, and yet I recommend the book for writers of any kind, and teachers and preachers as well. In fact, I recommend reading it a few times, taking copious notes, and by doing so understanding exactly how story works. You’ll find after reading Save the Cat you’ll never watch movies the same again, and honestly, you won’t want to. Every time you see a film you’ll understand why you did or didn’t like it, and Snyder’s wisdom will be further embedded into your creative process. Snyder’s book is about structure, and about form. Before a writer gets too creative, he or she should learn form, and this may be the best book on form available.

Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell:

Similar to Save the Cat, James Scott Bell explains, in very simple terms, how story works. An inciting incident, for instance, is a doorway through which a character cannot return. That mental image and so many more have stayed with me since I first read Bell’s book. If you’re a fan of Robert McKee, whose book Story is, perhaps, too long and comprehensive, you will enjoy Bell’s treatment of similar concepts. (though I highly recommend reading McKee’s book, if not for the advice on story, for the rich philosophical treatment of the subject that will have you thinking about your own life.) If you’re a novelist or an aspiring novelist, Plot and Structure is a must.

On Writing, by Stephen King:

King’s book is broken up into two sections, the first is a fascinating memoir on his writing life and career, and the second offers practical advice. I enjoyed both parts of his book, but especially the second half. King has sold over one-hundred million books in his life, and he’s done it by being a master storyteller. Unlike some of the books I’ve listed above, King is less formula driven and trusts more in his intuition. That said, though, his intuition is spot on. As he writes, he allows the story to be told to him, rather than trying to tell the story to you. He’s discovering as he goes. But this is territory for the true pro, the writer whose radar is so fine tuned that they waste no words. While the critics may boo some of King’s work, there is something to be said for a man who can reach so very many people, book after book. I’d say this was one of my favorite reads so far this year, and it’s already made my essential writing library.

Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury:

What is most wonderful about this book is that Ray Bradbury loves to write. And because he is having so much fun writing the book, he’ll make you want to write too and as well. Bradbury mixes memoir and advice in this short book and you’ll find after reading it you’ve got extra ink in your pen. Zen in the Art of Writing is an emotional punch in the arm, emphasizing the importance of zest, gusto and curiosity. If you’re not sure if there’s anything in your life worth writing about, Bradbury gives you a wake-up call.

This should be punishment enough for you...

...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...

...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ... String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...

...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...

...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

...Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist;s Novocain during root canal work because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

...Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got chilly so they lit a fire in the craft but it sank proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and eat it too.

...Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina; one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields never amounting to much and became known as the lesser of two weevils.

...There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

...A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."

...A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

...A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Weird or just plain crazy?

The Bible tells us that God created Adam and Eve just a few thousand years ago, by some fundamentalist interpretations. Science informs us that this is mere fiction and that man is a few million years old, and that civilization just tens of thousands of years old. Could it be, however, that conventional science is just as mistaken as the Bible stories? There is a great deal of archeological evidence that the history of life on earth might be far different than what current geological and anthropological texts tell us. Consider these astonishing finds:

The Grooved Spheres
Over the last few decades, miners in South Africa have been digging up mysterious metal spheres. Origin unknown, these spheres measure approximately an inch or so in diameter, and some are etched with three parallel grooves running around the equator. Two types of spheres have been found: one is composed of a solid bluish metal with flecks of white; the other is hollowed out and filled with a spongy white substance. The kicker is that the rock in which they where found is Precambrian - and dated to 2.8 billion years old! Who made them and for what purpose is unknown.

The Dropa Stones
In 1938, an archeological expedition led by Dr. Chi Pu Tei into the Baian-Kara-Ula mountains of China made an astonishing discovery in some caves that had apparently been occupied by some ancient culture. Buried in the dust of ages on the cave floor were hundreds of stone disks. Measuring about nine inches in diameter, each had a circle cut into the center and was etched with a spiral groove, making it look for all the world like some ancient phonograph record some 10,000 to 12,000 years old. The spiral groove, it turns out, is actually composed of tiny hieroglyphics that tell the incredible story of spaceships from some distant world that crash-landed in the mountains. The ships were piloted by people who called themselves the Dropa, and the remains of whose descendents, possibly, were found in the cave.

The Ica Stones
Beginning in the 1930s, the father of Dr. Javier Cabrera, Cultural Anthropologist for Ica, Peru, discovered many hundreds of ceremonial burial stones in the tombs of the ancient Incas. Dr. Cabrera, carrying on his father's work, has collected more than 1,100 of these andesite stones, which are estimated to be between 500 and 1,500 years old and have become known collectively as the Ica Stones. The stones bear etchings, many of which are sexually graphic (which was common to the culture), some picture idols and others depict such practices as open-heart surgery and brain transplants. The most astonishing etchings, however, clearly represent dinosaurs - brontosaurs, triceratops (see photo), stegosaurus and pterosaurs. While skeptics consider the Ica Stones a hoax, their authenticity has neither been proved or disproved.

t

The Antikythera Mechanism
A perplexing artifact was recovered by sponge-divers from a shipwreck in 1900 off the coast of Antikythera, a small island that lies northwest of Crete. The divers brought up from the wreck a great many marble and and bronze statues that had apparently been the ship's cargo. Among the findings was a hunk of corroded bronze that contained some kind of mechanism composed of many gears and wheels. Writing on the case indicated that it was made in 80 B.C., and many experts at first thought it was an astrolabe, an astronomer's tool. An x-ray ofthe mechanism, however, revealed it to be far more complex, containing a sophisticated system of differential gears. Gearing of this complexity was not known to exist until 1575! It is still unknown who constructed this amazing instrument 2,000 years ago or how the technology was lost.

The Baghdad Battery
Today batteries can be found in any grocery, drug, convenience and department store you come across. Well, here's a battery that's 2,000 years old! Known as the Baghdad Battery, this curiosity was found in the ruins of a Parthian village believed to date back to between 248 B.C. and 226 A.D. The device consists of a 5-1/2-inch high clay vessel inside of which was a copper cylinder held in place by asphalt, and inside of that was an oxidized iron rod. Experts who examined it concluded that the device needed only to be filled with an acid or alkaline liquid to produce an electric charge. It is believed that this ancient battery might have been used for electroplating objects with gold. If so, how was this technology lost... and the battery not rediscovered for another 1,800 years?

The Coso Artifact
While mineral hunting in the mountains of California near Olancha during the winter of 1961, Wallace Lane, Virginia Maxey and Mike Mikesell found a rock, among many others, that they thought was a geode - a good addition for their gem shop. Upon cutting it open, however, Mikesell found an object inside that seemed to be made of white porcelain. In the center was a shaft of shiny metal. Experts estimated that it should have taken about 500,000 years for this fossil-encrusted nodule to form, yet the object inside was obviously of sophisticated human manufacture. Further investigation revealed that the porcelain was surround by a hexagonal casing, and an x-ray revealed a tiny spring at one end. Some who have examined the evidence say it looks very much like a modern-day spark plug. How did it get inside a 500,000-year-old rock?

Ancient Model Aircraft
There are artifacts belonging to ancient Egyptian and Central American cultures that look amazingly like modern-day aircraft. The Egyptian artifact, found in a tomb at Saqquara, Egypt in 1898, is a six-inch wooden object that strongly resembles a model airplane, with fuselage, wings and tail. Experts believe the object is so aerodynamic that it is actually able to glide. The small object discovered in Central America (shown at right), and estimated to be 1,000 years old, is made of gold and could easily be mistaken for a model of a delta-wing aircraft - or even the Space Shuttle. It even features what looks like a pilot's seat.

Giant Stone Balls of Costa Rica
Workmen hacking and burning their way through the dense jungle of Costa Rica to clear an area for banana plantations in the 1930s stumbled upon some incredible objects: dozens of stone balls, many of which were perfectly spherical. They varied in size from as small as a tennis ball to an astonishing 8 feet in diameter and weighing 16 tons! Although the great stone balls are clearly man-made, it is unknown who made them, for what purpose and, most puzzling, how they achieved such spherical precision.

Impossible Fossils
Fossils, as we learned in grade school, appear in rocks that were formed many thousands of years ago. Yet there are a number of fossils that just don't make geological or historical sense. A fossil of ahuman handprint, for example, was found in limestone estimated to be 110 million years old. What appears to be a fossilized human finger found in the Canadian Arctic also dates back 100 to 110 million years ago. And what appears to be the fossil of a human footprint, possibly wearing a sandal, was found near Delta, Utah in a shale deposit estimated to be 300 million to 600 million years old.

Out-of-Place Metal Objects
Humans were not even around 65 million years ago, never mind people who could work metal. So then how does science explain semi-ovoid metallic tubes dug out of 65-million-year-old Cretaceous chalk in France? In 1885, a block of coal was broken open to find a metal cube obviously worked by intelligent hands. In 1912, employees at an electric plant broke apart a large chunk of coal out of which fell an iron pot! A nail was found embedded in a sandstone block from the Mesozoic Era. And there are many, many more such anomalies.

What are we to make of these finds? There are several possibilities:

• Intelligent humans date back much, much further than we realize.
• Other intelligent beings and civilizations existed on earth far beyond our recorded history.
• Our dating methods are completely inaccurate, and that stone, coal and fossils form much more rapidly than we now estimate.

In any case, these examples - and there are many more - should prompt any curious and open-minded scientist to reexamine and rethink the true history of life on earth.