-Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One turns and says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there."
-What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
-Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when suddenly a guy jumps out of the bushes and flashes them.
The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady couldn't reach.
-Why did the leper hockey game stop? There was a face off at centre ice.
-How did the leper stop the card game? He threw his hand in.
-A priest walks into a hotel reception and says 'I have booked a room for the night, but I hope the pornography on the television is disabled'. The receptionist says 'You weirdo, its normal porn!'
-The 7 dwarves were all in the hot tub feeling Happy, but Happy left.
So they all felt Grumpy instead.
Then Dopey got them feeling Sleepy.
They all left when they started feeling Bashful.
-You know, statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarves aren't Happy.
-Two men were walking down the street when they saw a dog licking himself. One man said "I wish I could do that." the other man said "you should probably just pet him first."
-Ever heard of a Freudian slip? It's when you say one thing but mean your mother.
-What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.
-Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can't pass the bar.
-What did the cannibal who was late to dinner get?
The cold shoulder!
-Buddha walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
-A moth flies into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist goes "can I help you?" The moth goes "man, doc, where do I begin?... I get no respect at work, sometimes it feels like my boss doesn't even know I exist. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up and look at my wife sleeping by my side, and I don't see my the woman I fell in love with, I see an old, wrinkled lady that I don't love any more. If only I had the courage, I would reach into the nightstand, take out the gun hidden there, and end this pathetic farce of a life."
The podiatrist says "man, that sounds pretty serious. But maybe you should see a psychiatrist, not a podiatrist."
The moth goes "yeah, I know."
The podiatrist asks "then why did you come in here?"
"The light was on."
-What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.
-A bear walks into a bar and asks for a gin.............................and tonic. The bartender says "hey what's with the big pause". The bear says "I don't know, I've kinda always had em".
-Why don't crabs and shrimp take care of each other? Because they're shellfish.
-What did one snowman say to the other? "Do you smell carrots?"
-What's green, has four legs and if it falls from a tree onto you, will probably kill you?
A pool table.