Fred Schiller: 2015

19.7.15

Nobody likes having the hiccups--unless you're involved in some weird fetish group, in which case, enjoy. For those of you who don't enjoy having them, here are some of my favorite remedies. Good luck.

1. Slowly drink a cold glass of water through a straw with your ears plugged.
2. Stick your tongue out as far as you can, or grab it with your fingers and gently pull it.
3. A large number of men report that their chronic hiccups vanish after experiencing an orgasm. (That said, most of the guys I know should never, ever suffer from hiccups.)
4. Drink a tall glass of water quickly while holding your breath.
5. Take a massive bite out of a real lemon and hold it in your mouth as long as possible. If you only have a plastic lemon in the fridge, squirt some juice into your mouth and hold it.
6. Try some sweetness. Spoon some sugar on the back of your tongue and let it drain down your throat. Keep a packet of sugar from Starbucks in your wallet or purse. In a pinch suck on a piece of candy for as long as you can.
***I interrupt this list for the following announcement. For most of these cures to work you need to to be patient and check your frustration at the door. Calm down and if the first cure doesn't work the first time, don't give up. If you really want to be rid of your hiccups, be cool fool. It's been my experience that you can increase your odds for success with nearly all of these remedies by holding your breath (even if you hiccup, stay calm and keep holding it) and mentally counting backward from 20 or 50. If you can preoccupy your brain your odds at succeeding increase.
7. Many people swear by pickle juice or vinegar. Take a couple of tablespoons every few minutes.
8. Lots of people get the hiccups from standing up too quickly. Reverse the process. Stretch out on the couch for a few minutes and then hop to your feet.
9. If you're in a fancy eating place that has cloth napkins, cover your water glass with a napkin and suck was much water through as you can. This process takes a lot of effort and suction which will distract your brain.
10. My personal favorite which I've used forever: lean over a sink with a butter knife lightly clenched in your teeth--as far into your mouth as possible. Now hold your breath and slowly sip a glass of water. If you're doing it right the water will be flowing into your mouth above and beneath the knife blade.
11. Sometimes the simple cures are the best. Suck in a bunch of air through your mouth. Hold it. Swallow some saliva (preferably your own) twice and then slowly release the air you gulped into your mouth out through your nose--very slowly
***Some people are so adverse to being unnecessarily frightened that I'm not going to include sneaking up behind someone and scaring the hiccups out of them. It may work but it's pretty rude.
12. Take a glass of lukewarm water (my favorite Star Wars character) and while holding your breath, gargle. This may take two or three tries to get right so be patient.
13. Again with the water... Sit at a table with a full glass of water in front of you. Without touching the glass, drink as much of the water as you can. Don't try anything fancy--just keep trying. If anything, hold your breath and take tiny sips.
14. My final cure requires a trusted friend and it will seem a little extreme. Have the person with the problem face you. Say some calming words to them. Tell them that even if they hiccup during the middle of things it doesn't automatically ruin their chances. Gently touch their neck and tell them to take a deep breath and silently count backwards from 50. While they're doing this you need to apply gentle pressure to either side of their throat. Just use a finger or thumb if they seem freaked out. It should be easy to feel their thundering pulse in their carotid arteries. All you need do is gently apply a little pressure to these to slow the river of oxygenated blood heading to their head. If the person trusts you and stays with it, I've had a 100% success rate with this method. Most people will find it too extreme, which it is, so stick with the first thirteen.

Good luck, and remember I am not a doctor. I just play one when I'm trying to swipe narcotics from area hospitals.