The way the story goes. The way the earthquake story goes.

Nothing to see here…the earthquake is over.

I was upstairs writing a few things miscellaneous things for Liquid Development, watching the earthquake movie and I dozed off. I’m on a new medication for my back, so I blame the drugs.

So I don’t know what happened during the last hour or so of the movie. I can postulate that: Jennifer Garner and the recently-arrived-from-a-war-torn-unnamed-country cabbie wound up together.

Sharon Lawrence finally got to her son’s school and found him hiding in the bathroom. Before I dozed off I recall seeing a great shot of him finally clearing the rubble from the only door in the room and opening it to see that the remainder of the building he was in had been sheared off. He hung swinging from the door, shocked by what he saw.

***I have the 70s music channel playing right now and they’re spinning Johnny Rivers’ Rockin’ Pneumonia – Boogie Woogie Flu. When’s the last time you heard that? When’s the last time you heard a hit song with the word ‘pneumonia’ in the title.***

Back in the subway tunnel, I think the murderer that Charles S. Dutton’s lawyer daughter freed of all charges showed his true colors and revealed himself to be a calculating and blood-thirsty killer. Everyone will be in peril, but the guy from 24 will step in and be a hero in time and the killer-freed-in-error by the lawyer woman will get a fifty-ton block of cement dropped on his head during a key moment.

And in the end, I think that the gruff mayor, played by Charles S. Dutton will patch things up with Tom Skerritt, who will stay on as the fire chief, provided some concessions are made that no doubt will have something to do with the burn victim he was visiting earlier. Perhaps a bigger budget for fire gear for the city’s fire fighters.

The final shot of the film will be Sharon Stone being reunited with her bathroom-trapped son. They will kiss and hug the very way she should kiss and hug me. Then we would go home and eat some cheese sandwiches or something, because we just survived an earthquake all and that’d make a person hungry. Then she would complain about how dirty she got during the earthquake and say she was going to shower. She would accidentally leave the bathroom door open and I would catch glimpses of her undressing. The shower would come on and steam would cloud up the mirrors and make the room a cloudy paradise. I would finally screw up my courage to go in there. She did leave the door open, after all. Ask Freud, there are no mistakes. So I swallow the last bite of my cheese sandwich and walk into the bathroom. The only problem is that she’s not in the shower yet. She’s sitting on the toilet dropping off the kids into the pool. I don’t know what she had for breakfast that morning, but the smell of whatever it is she’s pushing out of her ass makes me want to vomit, then all of a sudden I do vomit, all over Sharon Lawrence. I expect her to be horrified, but instead she seems to be aroused by the chunks of semi-digested cheese and bile dripping off her body. She reaches a hand out to me, with a sexy look on her face. With her other hand she’s pulling toilet paper off the roll and wiping her butt. I scream. She screams even louder in delight. I’m trapped. I have no choice but to swallow my tongue.

Wow. I still think she’s kind of cute, but I hope I’m nowhere near Sharon Lawrence if there’s an earthquake.

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