Comedians Say the Funniest Things!

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the

video camera and come help me."

--Bobcat Goldthwait

"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.

That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run

to my sister's house and ask her for money."

--Kevin Meaney

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out

in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned

how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how

to swim.' "

--Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly

in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?

Do tall people burn slower?"

--Warren Hutcherson

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock

every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands

there picking the locks, they are always locking three."

--Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet

soup?"

--John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just

a second."

--Steven Wright

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better

verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of

that study: Duh."

--Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on

the pumpkin."

--Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?

I think that's how dogs spend their lives."

--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me

advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."

--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be

thinking up something else."

--Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three

out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."

--David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that

is still far away."

--Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."

--Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more

specific."

--Lily Tomlin

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know

what to feed it."

--Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them

above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "

--Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't

know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself.

You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.'

You know.'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about

me just a little bit?"

--Garry Shandling

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

--Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my

fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."

--Lynda Montgomery