"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout.
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run
to my sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned
how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.' "
--Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands
there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just
a second."
--Steven Wright
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on
the pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be
thinking up something else."
--Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three
out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that
is still far away."
--Billiam Coronell
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."
--Lily Tomlin
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself.
You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.'
You know.'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about
me just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
